Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
This made me smile…
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.