“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.