2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage