Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Go girl power!
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.