Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone