Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift


Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.




Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.


[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em


OMG you guys!! I have abs







…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.


Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.


[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*


Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess


I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns

Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.

All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!