Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
When I snag the last meatball.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that