@aissalanis

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

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@fro_vo

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

@AmericanGent69

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

@CAshmanActor

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@LuvPug

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

@myqkaplan

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

@michel_lesann

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

@Kyle_Lippert

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse