Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not


*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.


pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?


I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.


Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it


“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”



I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.


Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.


If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.


ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse