STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Fat chances are my favorite chances