“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!