@perrigame

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

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@nbadag

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

@thwphipps

the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS

@TheIronSherk

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@WhatTheFFacts

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

@kelkulus

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

@Jerrypleasure

[first day as an archaeologist]

ME: *digging*

COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You’re gonna get us all fired

@noog

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?