Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.