Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
The struggle is real.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.