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@SonoLibero_8

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

@dave_cactus

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

@clichedout

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@TuffyNyC

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

@Ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@sarcasticmommy4

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

@buttgh0st

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@newLettuce

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check