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@JocMaxedOut

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

@drinksmcgee

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.

@robfee

Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.

@Holy_Mowgli

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

@OctopusCaveman

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@LaziestCanine

[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette