Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me: can u buy me a drink
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check