I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
You Might Also Like
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.