Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
😆this is so true
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.