Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Leaving the Barbers like

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING