STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.