[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
this article brought to you by lions
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.