@daemonic3: Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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@jamdugg: *speed dating* Her: What do you do for a living Me: I’m a truck driver Her: ...oh... Me: A food truck driver Her: here’s my number
@SortaBad: If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it's about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
@mattbooshell: FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn't start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread