@daemonic3: Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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@KattWillFerrell: DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
@WilliamRodgers: *Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce -NEVER eats Salad again! *Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning -NEVER reads again!
@RexHuppke: I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, "Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!" and everyone ran out.
@Sickayduh: I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won't last long and we all know it