@daemonic3

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

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@Pee_And_Giggles

My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.

@thedadvocate01

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

@kelkulus

Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome!
Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi.
Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*

@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

@ojedge

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@EJGomez

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

@T_Bonezzz_

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

@specialhug

what do we want

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

when do we want them

NNNNEEOOOW