Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.