Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
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My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.