Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.