Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.