Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?