I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Stop adding commas, where they don’t belong.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
All is calm,
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…