@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

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@SvnSxty

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

@andlikelaura

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

@Peauxtassium

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

@simoncholland

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

@sensitivetim

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

@stewnami

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

@cheeky__gal

I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight … lie.

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.