Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Muppet Screams
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Birds & Planes.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]