Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

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If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.


I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.


I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*


My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.


This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.


Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME


Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet


I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.