@DanMentos [first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
@Donna_McCoy Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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@DanMentos 
@AristotlesNZ We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.
@goodballs Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.
@BoogTweets Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
@murrman5 *opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
@ManiacallySound I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.
@TedOfficialPage Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
@CherylCheryl94 When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
@GingerGander If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.
@mollzbenn I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.