Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?


Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT


cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell


“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”


kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*


Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!


Friend: wanna hang out tomorrow?

Me: I actually performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.


*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*


I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.


“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.