Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Seems legit
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?