*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Best seat on the street 😍
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
happy friday
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
X-tra spooky blend
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight