@ramblinma

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

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@AmericanGent69

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

@BobTheSuit

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

@BeagirlNJ

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”

@Trudacious

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

@CroweJam

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

@imdaintyaf

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

@BoogTweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

@psybermonkey

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?