*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Customize Your Wedding.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.