The fall of Netflix
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.