Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Stick it to the man
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.