[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
You Might Also Like
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I can’t wait!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is