[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?


Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir


7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.


Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*


The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.


[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher


Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.


Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.