@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

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@Staggfilms

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

@crushingbort

“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*

@d2BMcG

You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it

@mrjohntofu

I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]

@JasonNotEvil

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

@Marcmywords2

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Traffic..

The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.