*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.