@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

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@TrophyWifeDayna

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

@HeyoShellz

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

@MsSkarsgaard

I miss the things we shared together.
Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool.

@Playing_Dad

Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book
Sargent: You arrested her?
C: No
S: Why?
C: She’s not done with the book

@Quartzjixler

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

@thepaulahunt

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@skittle624

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

@LosLos__

[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.