*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.


My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier


I miss the things we shared together.
Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool.


Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book
Sargent: You arrested her?
C: No
S: Why?
C: She’s not done with the book


There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.


I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.


When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.


cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?


My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.


[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.