*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them