*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
when mom throws a party…
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there