Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Forget “once you go black you never go back”
“For that special occasion go caucasian”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”