@timdonakowski

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

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@Talk_To_The_Hat

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@fro_vo

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

@Browtweaten

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

@davidstassen

My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.

@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

@thatUPSdude

Forget “once you go black you never go back”

I say

“For that special occasion go caucasian”

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

@SkylarMarshai

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

@SuadShamma

“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”