*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.