Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Happy thanksgiving!
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it