Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.


Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.


no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct


I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.


Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.


They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update


•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?


Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..


No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!