@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

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@Dawn_M_

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

@JimmySelfDest

Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

@NYC_Blonde

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@rclyne02

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

@ilovecuredmeats

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

@CherBear162

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!