Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
DOOO EEEET
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me