@PhilJamesson

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

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@thedad

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@AndrewChamings

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

@Kappa_Kappa

When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me

@Merman_Melville

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@rad_milk

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

@robots_feel

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no