[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]

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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t


I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.


Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap


When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me


My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy


All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.


remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s


sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no