Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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My new boyfriend and I have an interesting dynamic, like the peanut vendor at a crowded circus who doesn’t see the woman frantically waving a dollar bill, he still doesn’t seem to understand that we are dating.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
If I’m lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you