*storms onto stage*
*crowd gasps*
*crowd continues gasping*

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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this


I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.


The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.


The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”


Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.


My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.


Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.


[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”