@PretendMaker

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

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@citizenkawala

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

@lasergirl70

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

@Dani_Feld

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

@BGH70

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

@thejessbess

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

@GingerHotDish

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

@Carbosly

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

@david8hughes

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”