Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”