Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
All rooms are panic rooms if there is no iPhone charger
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day
If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.