@GrumpyComments

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

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@KSekouM

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

@ThaJawn

*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention

@Cpin42

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

@ElKnuckelhombre

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@Book_Krazy

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection