Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
peep davidson
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me