[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Where’s my employee discount too?