I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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The Onion called it…again.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.