Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
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What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?