Straight people are cancelled
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?