Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
What a chick magnet..
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.