wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty
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If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me
employee: i recommend a medium
me: ok do you know any good ones?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer.
[at a party]
him: are u the guy that starts talking in a british accent when u meet a hot girl
me: what no lol who told u that
him: my bad i got u mixed up with someone else. btw this is my friend rachel
me: ello govna