[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

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This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”




Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?

Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.


normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16


Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.


I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.


When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.


Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.


Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.