@Megatronic13

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

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@theyearofelan

This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”

@

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@JustDontBugMe

Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?

Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.

@louvregguk

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

@daemonic3

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

@girl_a_whirl

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

@jayonguitar

When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.

@realHamOnWry

Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.

@shegotagronk

Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.