@Megatronic13

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

@KattsDogma

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

@jonnysun

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

@Stella1070

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@JillianKarger

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

@Playing_Dad

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

@RandomlyMJ

Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer.

@heelyfanaccount

[at a party]

him: are u the guy that starts talking in a british accent when u meet a hot girl

me: what no lol who told u that

him: my bad i got u mixed up with someone else. btw this is my friend rachel

me: ello govna