[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
You Might Also Like
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
At least my masseuse has my back.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
At an art museum and I thought this was art
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt