“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me when i see my girls butt
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu