[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
oppen heimer style lol
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My first son he is wonderful
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.